佛教视角下的“性瘾症”

在陌生而虔诚之地,曾经身为藏传佛教尼姑的我,爱上并嫁给了一个男人。他为性成瘾者提供咨询,而他自己也是一名正在康复中的性瘾患者。通过陪同他进行咨询服务,我得以一窥许多与性瘾及关系成瘾症作斗争的人们的生活。

These relationships have also impelled me to contemplate how the grace and teaching that I received from my Tibetan teachers can supply guidance in how to work with the compulsions or addictions that manifest in our world today. A young woman called tonight, crying.

这些经历引我深思。怎样才能把我从我的藏族导师们学到的智慧与教义,用来指导如何应对当今世上出现的强迫与成瘾症呢?今天晚上,一个年轻的女人哭着打来电话。

Her husband had promised he would stop accessing Internet porn. She had recently given birth to their first child, and on their home computer she discovered that in the previous few days her husband had visited dozens of porn sites.

她丈夫早已答应不再接触网络色情。前不久她生下了第一胎,但是在家里的电脑上,她发现前些日子里丈夫访问了好几十个色情网站。

What should she do?

她该如何是好呢?

Earlier today we received a call from a very successful local businessman whose wife had once again discovered a number of sexually explicit text messages and emails on his cell phone. These messages had been sent to and received from friends of the couple, acquaintances, business associates, and prostitutes. His wife was prepared to leave the marriage because she had discovered this sort of evidence previously and he had promised “never to do it again.” Could he be helped?

今天早些时候,我们接到了一个非常成功的当地商人打来的电话。他妻子又一次在他的手机里发现了很多色情短信和邮件。这些短信在这对夫妇的朋友、相识、生意伙伴和妓女之间转来转去。他妻子已准备结束这段婚姻,因为她之前就已经发现过这类东西,而他也保证过“不会再犯了”。他还有救吗?

A woman, a successful attorney, has been working with us because she realized that for the last ten years she has remained in an abusive marriage due to her fear of being alone.

一位成功的女律师在跟我们一起工作,因为她意识到过去的十年里,她维持着一段饱受虐待的婚姻,原因是她害怕一个人独处。

What is it that creates a compulsion to have sex as often as possible? Or to fantasize about sex with an individual of an inappropriate age? Or to compulsively fear being alone, to feel compelled to “be in a relationship?” Why have otherwise reasonable and educated people continued to make choices that lead to greater suffering for themselves and for the people closest to them?

是什么引起了要尽可能多地性交的强迫性冲动呢?或是幻想与年龄不适的人性交?抑或是不由自主地害怕独处,觉得必须与人交往?有些人本来富于理性,受过教育,为什么他们一而再再而三地做出令他们自己和他们最亲近的人更痛苦的事来?

For many, the lure of porn and/or affairs is that the anonymity of connecting with a stranger is less frightening than the intimacy required when connecting with a true partner. For others, the safety of masturbating to pornographic images is instantly satisfying and less frightening than weathering the complexities of human relationship.

对很多人来说,色情的东西以及(或)风流韵事的诱惑就在于,与同真正的伴侣交往所要求的亲密相比,以匿名的形式同陌生人交往不那么令人恐惧。对另一些人来说,比之经受复杂的人类关系的洗礼,对着色情图像手淫则保险很多,并能即刻感到满足,而且没那么让人惧怕。

The Internet has provided the opportunity to connect more anonymously, and materials that in the past would have required a trip to a porn shop are now available twenty-four hours a day without leaving home. Sexually stimulating material can be viewed with just a few clicks in the relative privacy of one’s home or office.

因特网使得人们有机会更为隐秘地交往,而那些在过去要跑一趟色情商店才能搞到的东西,如今足不出户,就能一天24小时随想随得。在自个儿的家里或办公室这种相对私密的地方,只要轻点几下鼠标,就可以观看色情内容。

Internet porn has been labeled “crack cocaine” for the sexually compulsive individual. On television talk shows and in the news, we seem to hear more and more about this compulsion labeled “sex addiction” or “relationship addiction.”

对性成瘾者来说,网络色情可谓是“强效纯可卡因”。在电视脱口秀和新闻中,我们似乎越来越多地听到这种被称为“性成瘾症”或“关系成瘾症”的强迫症。

In the counseling program my husband and I offer, many individuals have reported difficult events during childhood. These events seem to have led to a kind of “freezing” of the state of fascination with sex typical of the pubescent child moving into young adulthood. This can manifest as turning to the safety of the non-threatening porn image, as being sexually attracted to children who are the same age as when one’s trauma occurred, or as a need to experience sexual release in unsuitable or dangerous situations.

在丈夫与我提供的咨询项目中,许多人叙说了童年时的不幸遭遇。这些遭遇似乎“冻结”了那种典型的青春期孩子步入成年早期时对性的迷恋状态。这种冻结可以从一个人转而从不具威胁性的色情图像中寻求安慰,以及喜欢与他受到伤害时年龄相仿的孩子,或者需要体验在不合适或危险的地方发泄性欲上表现出来。

While masturbation and viewing porn movies may at times be part of a healthy sex life, habits rooted in childhood abuse and/or trauma can become compulsive and limiting, cutting one off from healthy ways of relating to sexuality and to others. Buddhism to the Rescue

虽然手淫和看色情电影有时可以成为健康的性生活的一部分,根源于童年虐待和(或)创伤的习惯,却可能会变成强迫性和限制性的,并截断一个人对待性和他人的健康的方式。

So how can meditative practices and insights help us work with such compulsive and limiting sexuality? Through the years of my practice and work, my thinking on these themes has evolved, informed by wedding the wisdom of traditional Buddhist teachings with the wisdom of Western psychological models.

佛陀的救赎 那么,静修与体悟怎么能够帮助我们应对此种强迫性和限制性的性瘾呢?通过这些年的实践和工作,受到传统佛教教义与西方心理学模型这两种智慧结合的启发,我对这些问题的想法逐步发展了。

Western science teaches that our desire to survive, to protect ourselves, to avoid pain, to feel good, or to just be happy is wired into the core of our biology. The urge to connect with another being is also natural; we are social animals and quite naturally require human connection at a biological level. This urge for connection seems to me to mirror our urge to reconnect with the truth of who we are.

西方科学指出,我们求生存、求自保、求避伤、求自得或仅仅求快乐的欲望,深深扎根于我们生命的核心。与他人交往的欲望也是很自然的;我们是社会性动物,自然需要生物学层面上的联系。在我看来,这种交往欲反映了我们想要找到“我们是谁”的真相的冲动。

At the heart of Tibetan Buddhism is the instruction to look to the core — to the who that is observing. The truth of who we are is the peace we recognize in a moment of meditation when we disconnect from our usual awareness of thoughts, in a moment of undefended love, in a transcendent moment in nature, in a newborn’s eyes, in the moment before we drift off to sleep.

藏传佛教的精要,是引导我们去看那核心——看那正在观察的“人”。“我们是谁”这一谜案的真相,就是在我们摆脱日常的思想意识而陷入冥想的时刻,在爱不设防的时刻,在超越的时刻,在新生儿的眼里,在我们恍然入梦的时刻我们所体察到的平静。

Buddhist teachings point to how each of us can learn to work with urges that have become compulsions or addictions that don’t serve ourselves or others. By bringing such urges into the light of awareness, we can watch them arise as signals of something seeking our attention. At that point we can determine how to respond — or not.

佛教教义指明,我们每个人可以怎样学习去应对已经变成了强迫症或成瘾症的欲望,这些欲望对人对己皆无益处。意识到这些欲望的存在,我们就可以观察到,它们作为某种寻求我们注意力的东西的信号而产生。这时,我们可以决定怎样来回应——或者干脆不。

First, we can notice that when uncomfortable, painful feelings arise, our animal instinct may interpret them as threatening and our biochemical imperative may try to take over. We may have a tendency to strike out in anger, to run away or numb out in fear, or to seduce the perceived dangerous entity to protect ourselves from peril.

首先,我们能够注意到,当不舒适、痛苦的感觉产生时,我们的动物本能也许会将之解读为具有威胁性,而我们也许会屈服于生理必然性。我们可能想在愤怒中猛摔猛打,逃跑或在恐惧中失去知觉,或诱惑感知到的危险的存在来脱离险境。

Secondly, we can realize that suffering is a natural part of human existence. This is a basic tenet of Buddhist teachings. Every one of us will experience loss, disappointment and betrayal. We cannot avoid suffering, so how can we learn to navigate the waves of discomfort when the urge to engage in compulsive or addictive behavior arises? How can compulsion serve as an ally?

其次,我们能够意识到,受苦受难是人类存在很自然的一部分。这是佛教教义的一个基本信条。我们每个人都会经历失落、失望和背叛。我们无法避免苦难,那么,当进行强迫性或成瘾性行为的欲望产生时,我们怎样才能学会在不安之风浪中航行?强迫性冲动怎样才能变成我们的盟友?

Sometimes we use activities like impersonal sex or being in unhealthy relationship as an avoidance of painful experience. The obsessive need for sexual release or the fear of being alone is simply a mistaken expression of the very natural urge we all share to find peace, to return “home.” Instead, we can become more and more willing to fully experience our urges as energy, and we can stand right in the middle of the discomfort.

有时我们通过诸如随意性交(impersonal sex)或者进行不健康的交往等行为来逃避痛苦的体验。发泄性欲的极端需求或对独处的恐惧,这些不过是我们所共有的非常自然的欲望——寻求平静、回归“家园”——的错误表达而已。相反,我们能够越来越乐意把我们的欲望作为能量来体验,如此我们便可以在不安中砥柱中流。

In 1988, when I was visiting Kalu Rinpoche in India, he said:

1988年,我在印度拜访卡鲁仁波切,他说道:

“When an enemy arises in your life, even though you may kill it, another will simply arise, because all arisings are simply a manifestation of your own state of consciousness.”

“你生命中出现了敌人,你可以杀了他,但另一个会接着出现,因为出现的一切,不过是你自己意识的显现。”

I still remind myself that it won’t do any good to banish the feelings inside of me that I don’t like and don’t want to have anymore.

我仍然提醒我自己,驱逐内心中我不喜爱也不想再有的感觉是没有任何好处的。

All we can ultimately do is turn and face the perceived enemy. For example, the mother of one of our clients was inappropriate with him sexually when he was in his early teens. As an older man, he watched porn movies each weekend alone in his small condo. The transient solace of release at the moment of orgasm became his primary source of comfort. Having sex with a real live woman caused him to relive the discomfort he felt from the earlier inappropriate sexual innuendo by his mother.

我们最终所能做的,是转身并面对那感知到的敌人。举个例子,我们一个客户十几岁时,他母亲在性方面对他做得不够恰当。长大以后,每周末他窝在他的小公寓里独自看色情电影。高潮时短暂的释放的慰藉,成了他主要的安慰来源。跟活生生的女人性交会让他重新体会到那种不适——那种他母亲早些年的那些不恰当的性暗示让他感到的不适。

Instead, he only felt comfortable expressing his sexuality with pictures and videos. As this man began to meet the emotions and feelings that arose with his urge to watch a porn movie — to experience directly the aversion and shame beneath the urge — his compulsive use of porn simply did not seem necessary. He began to date a lovely woman, whom he has now married. Although he still has fears about sex with his wife, and his awareness of his desire for human connection, he is taking steps toward experiencing intimate, connected human sexuality.

相反,他只有对着图片和视频释放性欲时才感到自在。当他开始面对与他想看色情片的欲望一起产生的情绪和感觉——直接地体验欲望下的厌恶和羞耻——他强迫性的看片冲动,似乎就没那么必要了。他开始跟一个可爱的女人约会,如今已跟她结婚。尽管他仍然对与妻子做爱感到恐惧,并仍然意识到他与人交往的欲望,他已经逐步开始体验亲密的、互为所系的性爱了。

In working with uncomfortable feelings, the only antidote is turning, facing, and fully experiencing. When dealing with those places that feel deeply wounded, fully engaging with such feelings can take some time. But eventually, we gain enough perspective and increase our capacity to feel the feelings we’ve previously worked so hard to avoid. We learn that the energy of these feelings will not destroy us.

对付不适感,唯一的解药就是转身、面对并充分体验。当感觉受伤很深时,充分地体验此种感觉可能要花费一些时间。但我们总归具有了足够的洞察力,也增长了体验我们之前所竭力避免的感觉的能力。我们知道,这些感觉的能量并不会毁掉我们。

On the contrary, they allow us to experience the truth of ourselves in a more profound way. A moment during which it seems we cannot bear the discomfort is precisely the moment of opportunity, the doorway to experience a feeling simply as energy, as a force that has arisen. This is how the seeming enemy becomes an ally.

相反,这些感觉使我们能够以一种更为深邃的方式来体验我们自己的实质。看似我们不可能再承受那不安的时刻,恰恰是转机到来的时刻,是把感觉仅仅当做能量,当做出现的一种力量来体验的契机。这就是表面上的敌人怎样转变成盟友的。

Those who experience sexual or relationship compulsions (whatever form they may take) may also suffer from shame due to our society’s stigmatization around such tactics of alleviating or avoiding suffering. Instead of shame, what’s required is compassion — not as license, but as kindness and empathy born from the understanding that each and every one of us, including you, has our own particular strategies of protection and avoidance. We can finally come to see that our most “shameful” challenges can be held in tender compassion. From this compassion, our hearts can hold all suffering.

由于社会对他们减轻或逃避痛苦的策略的描述,性成瘾者和关系成瘾者(无论何种形式)可能也要背负耻辱。但我们需要的是慈悲,而不是耻辱——不是特许,而是基于这一理解:我们每个人,包括你,都有各自独有的自我保护和避免痛苦的策略。我们终会看到,我们最“可耻的”挑战也能消解于温柔的慈悲之中。慈悲为怀,我们的心能够hold住所有苦难。

来源:http://psychcentral.com

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